Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
