I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
