my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
i just made my gag reflex go away.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
