are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
