it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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