Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
