a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
