So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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