I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
