You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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