I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
