im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
