mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
