you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Life is so much better after having sex.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
