i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Fuck appropriateness.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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