She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Me too!
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
birth control should be required to get into college
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
