he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
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