Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
