I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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