My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
