What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
3 2 1 whiskey
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
