8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
