if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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