I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
