They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
