whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
