Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
