Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
