I heard we made out
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
