Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
