Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
