sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
