I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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