This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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