I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
