the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
