my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
