If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
