We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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