I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
