Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
