the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
