you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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