He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
