her vagine was all disorganized.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
