atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
