I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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