Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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