hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
