It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
