you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Let's get the cat blown out
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